I've put on so much weight its unbelievable. And the more I've put on the more depressed I've become and the more I've gone fuck it, I'm going to have another cookie. I hate myself more than I ever have before.
I feel like I just need some kind of support, someone who understands, to keep me on track. To say, you don't need this. Can't you see what it does to you?
I don't think I've ever felt as bad as I do now.
And its hard to see how its going to get any better...
But I had my hpv vaccination last night and my arm is killing!
Oh, I'm never happy.
It actually made me throw up all last night/this morning. But I suppose that was a blessing in disguise.
It's so twisted I think this way.
It's so exciting. We move in 30th June. So I want to set myself a reasonable yet challenging goal.
7 weeks.
So maybe I'll set myself an average of 3lbs a week? I'm not sure. Because I know I'll have a few weeks where the weight will just drop off but then there will be a few weeks with nothing. Difficult to get the balance right.
But i don't want to NOT have weekly goal, because I want small goal to reach til then rather than loose this much in 7 weeks.
Hmmm
I even considered writing myself out a chart. Ha. All in aid of procrastinating my revision. I say aid... not sure if that's the right word to use there ;)
I definitely want to have lost a CONSIDERABLE amount of weight by my birthday (Sep).
I can do that right?
I'm just so fed up of me right now. Mph.
- Feeling?:
lethargic
So in the spirit of getting back in contact with people and everything I decided to add my ex-boyfriend back on facebook with the message "so i was thinking let's be friends, both in facebook and real life. how 'bout it?".
And I've just had it thrown back in my face.
Not in a nasty way, it was a polite turn down but still.
Fuck.
I hate putting myself on the line. I never do it. And the first time, albeit it wasn't seriously, but it felt so for me. And i know it was on facebook, like a stupid social networking sight that doesn't really mean anything, but it felt like something to me. It was like a big step for me. To admit that I was wrong in cutting him out of my life. And I never should have done it.
What was I thinking?
It's just that both of us has, well had, the same circle of friends, so a big part of me loosing all of my old friends was from cutting him out of my life. So I think if we don't become friends or at least stand to be in the same room as each other, Im never going to get back to the same state with all my friends. I miss them so much. And it's all because of that bastard. (Excuse language but I'm irritated now after initial feelings of shame and regret)
FUCK FUCK FUCK
Why did I do that?
I should have just left it.
I was happy!
FUCK!!!!!!!!
- Feeling?:
gloomy
My knee is killing me :(
I've been putting so much pressure on it with exercising these last few weeks it's really effed it up and it's so painful I can't do anything right now. It's killing me not even being able to get up and move around. I've always been a hyperkinetic person, I can't sit still. I'm always doing something or going somewhere even when I've got nothing to do or nowhere to go. So being chained down like this is awful. Especially since I've eaten a lot more than I usually would today. I just want to work it off. I didn't even realise I'd eaten so much.
I didn't plan any meals today or anything like I normally would, I just spent the day randomly snacking on things thinking, well this is only 40cals, 30cals etc but not adding them up in my head as I went along.
And I drank so much coffee and tea today, and we didn't have any skimmed or soy milk so I had to use semi-skimmed and didn't think about the calories in that.
It's pretty much been a failure for the day.
I couldn't even concentrate on revision becaue I was too distacted by 1. the pain and 2. the fact that I was missing a bbq that everyone went to today. Okay so I guess I probs would have eaten alot there, but it was a gorgeous day and I just wanted to GET OUT.
I could have. But I knew I would be out there all day and wouldn't get any work done. I regret not going now...
So far today I've had a pot of coffee (approx 4 mug fulls) with a dash of semi-skimmed milk in each. I'm estimating that would be ~50cals (I'll over estimate for the time being)
And I've also had a small bowl of peas, carrots and green beans (60 cals) with 4 slices of ham chopped up into little bits (46 cals)
[I have to say this was DELICIOUS. I really enjoyed this, which is saying something. Recently I'm finding it more difficult to actually enjoy food. So knowing that this was a decent sized meal, compared to what i usually have, and only just over 100 cals, I felt so much more relaxed about it and really enjoyed it. I was a bit apprehensive about the ham slices being almost 50 cals but I got over it. I was like, 50 cals, on ham? I wasn't sure. But it tasted so good, it gave the veggies a lovely salty taste. I'm a salt fiend nowadays.]
Total calories so far is ~160 cals. Which is good, but I hate to say it I'll probobly eat more later...
Hopefully I'll just have a cup of soup (55 cals) which would bring my total up to ~ 250 for the day, taking into account I will be drinking more tea and coffee, maybe hot chocolate (only 37 cals without milk, and it's so much better without milk anyway)
I've continued revising for my Biology exam in 2 weeks and the section I'm covering today is on Digestion. Hmph. So much for revising taking my mind of food.
And I just found out, so much for studying taking my mind of food next year too! I have an entire module on Human Metabolism to do. Yes, I suppose I could not take it and take Language or Management instead but for the sake of my degree I should really take all modules possible relating to Biology...
It's just I ALWAYS use studying to take my mind off food. And next year, well, September, it's not going to help having an entire module on metabolism.
That being said, it might be useful. In a morbid kind of way, but useful nonetheless...
AND I have an innate interest in anything Biological, so I have to take it. It sounds really interesting.
Anyway, I'm rambling and procrastinating actually doing anything productive for the day.
But no doubt I will be posting later....
So till then.
- Feeling?:
satisfied
I'm going to do revision, I'm not going to let myself fail another exam.
I'm going to get in contact with people, I'm not going to let myself slip away from the world around me at a time where I need people the most.
I have a good feeling about today.
- Feeling?: optimistic
My siren sings for no one but me
I tell my friends to listen to her in vain
No one ever hears her
Except one, only one
But though his air is sincere
I mistrust him, he might be a liar
Robert Desnos, translated by Amy Levin
All that has happened is that my boyfriend hasn't texted me all day.
Obviously that can't be why I'm so depressed. That's stupid.
I just feel so out of place. And I can't shake this feeling.
I've cut myself again.
And I've taken painkillers.
I just wan't to breakdown and lie on the floor in floods of tears, but not knowing why is holding me back. Just.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
I just want to rip off my skin. Completetly destroy myself in some attempt to punish myself.
Except this time I don't know what I've done.
Maybe just simply being me is enough to make me feel like this now.
- Listening?:Sigur Ros
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